FPL SHITHOUSE XI – Draft Game-Week 1

So, pre-season is drawing to an end and some of the keen fantasy football managers have made several drafts of their 15-man squad already, with surely several more to come. (To those of you who haven’t even logged in to the Premier League Fantasy Football site yet, what are you waiting for?!) A lot of talk has drifted round about who should definitely appear in your squad and who could be those key differentials to get you in front of your rival. However, little talk is made about the players who should be avoided at all costs and we here at FPL Updates feel this is wrong. These players should be ousted for the lack of points and criminal performances they have put in of late. So, we are pleased to present to you our take on the worst FPL squad to start with; FPL_Updates Shithouse XI.


Starting XI: Boruc (vs. LIV), Demichelis (vs. NEW), Yanga-Mbiwa (vs. MCI), Smalling (vs. SWA), Brown (vs. WBA), Cattermole (vs. WBA), Fellaini (vs. SWA), Cole (vs. STK), Tiote (vs. MCI), Altidore (vs. Altidore), Soldado (vs. WHU)

Bench: Green, Onuoha, Cleverley, Torres

This lucrative squad will only cost you a mere 82.0m leaving you with 18m in your bank for the season ahead. Bargain right?

In order to feature in our squad, the players must get a consistent amount of playing time. If this proves not to be the case, we will look to transfer them out as soon as possible (without point deductions). No-one likes to see a player do poorly and we all want to see good football but unfortunately, these names have made it onto our list for pre-season. Hopefully, these guys prove us wrong!

Boruc – So we start with the position we had the most trouble assigning. There is a lot of talent between the sticks throughout the teams in the Premier League and it was very hard to pick one goalkeeper, let alone two for our squad. Unfortunately, as much as we are fans of Boruc, he can not be forgiven for the Begovic goal that caught him out last season so he has earned himself prime position.

Demichelis – Ahh the Argentine calamity. Maybe a little harsh we admit but some of his performances last season were abysmal. The reason he is in our team is that a lot of people last season spent their time watching Manchester City matches, anticipating his next mistake. If the Argentine keeps his starting XI position with Manchester City, he will surely bag a lot of clean sheets but his mistakes can not go unnoticed.

Yanga-Mbiwa – Yanga-Mbiwa played an average of 65 minutes across 23 matches in the Premier League season during the 2013/14 campaign. During this time, he kept just 5 clean sheets and conceded 24 goals. His disciplinary record for the campaign stands at 5 yellow cards and a red card leaving his fantasy football points tally at 52. On average that’s 2.26 points per game that he featured in, a meagre return.

Smalling – Chris Smalling, since his move to Old Trafford, has arguably looked as though he is struggling. His amount of appearances shot up last season from 15 the previous season to 25. With Ferdinand, Vidic & Evra all leaving the Manchester club, there is definitely room for even more appearances this time around. However, he will be helped by Manchester United having an arguably easier start this season and under a new manager and formation, tides could turn and his luck could well be in. I do fear for the United defence this season though…

Brown – Personally, I admire Sunderland for their survival against the drop last season. He made his most appearances in a season for the club with 22, playing the full 90 mins on average in all of them. This may be one of the least justified selections for this line-up but there’s just something about him that doesn’t quite cut it…

Cattermole – As much as this guy loves to get stuck in, his disciplinary record can’t go unnoticed. As for last season, his record wasn’t too bad with 5 yellows and a red but he did spend less minutes on the pitch than previous seasons with significantly worse records. He played 24 matches, completing 73 minutes on average in them, and picked up 45 points throughout the season for his troubles. That’s less than the 2 points you get for playing over 60 minutes on average, per match. Enough said.

Fellaini – David Moyes’ panic buy. Unfortunately for the Belgian, he hasn’t shone like he once did at Everton. He may have only made 16 appearances for the club last season but he did play on average 85 minutes a game during that time. The midfielder registered no goals and only 2 assists. He must be wondering whether he will make it into LvG’s squad this campaign…

Cole – Joe Cole, one of those players that has underperformed. We all remember the chest and volley goal from outside of the box for England against Sweden all that time ago but at his previous two clubs, he hasn’t been able to put in the performances he is capable of. He surprisingly did appear in 20 matches for the Hammers last season but averaged a poor 37 minutes a game and was clearly out of favour as a starting XI player. His move to Aston Villa may revitalise his career but only time will tell.

Cheick Tiote – Tiote gained 68 points in total last campaign. During that time, he played in 33 matches, completing an average of nearly 84 minutes a game. As you may have worked out, this averages at just (literally, just) over the 2 points for playing over 60 minutes, per match. He created just 2 assists and produced no goals himself, a poor return for any Premier League managers brave, or stupid, to bring him in. (Yes, that’s actually 7.7% of you as it currently stands!)

Altidore – I am a big fan of the big, American beast that is Jozy but having said this, he doesn’t produce the goods up top in the Premier League. Last season, he played 30 times for Sunderland, registering a single goal. The club may have felt they unearthed a bargain when they signed him from AZ Alkmaar considering his goalscoring record there in the league that previous season, 33 games and 23 goals. Instead of looking at his stats there, they should have maybe checked his previous Premier League appearances with Hull during the 09/10 season, 28 appearances and 1 goal. Notice any similarities?

Soldado – 6 goals, 4 from the penalty spot. He played an average of 69 minutes across 28 games. The striker came to the Premier League with a healthy goalscoring record the previous season in La Liga but he has been unable to replicate that in the English top flight. Although he may have managed 100 fantasy football points somehow last season, Spurs will be hoping for more value for money this time around after forking out 26 million from the Gareth Bale fund for him.

Green – World Cup 2010 fumble.
Onuoha – Manchester City reject.
Cleverley – Tom Cleverley.
Torres – Goal machine.

Other notable mentions:
Zamora – “When you’re sitting in Row Z and the ball hits your head, its Zamoraaaaaaa”

Nani – A new 5 year contract for him under David Moyes prompted the introduction of this image:


Lucas – Great sitting midfielder but guarenteed yellow card point deductions. I think him & Cattermole may have a bet on…

Mikel – The Chelsea midfielder who has only registered 9 assists in 8 seasons with the club. His famous goal came against Fulham last season which I had the privilege of watching live (not in the ground but a definite “I was there” moment).

If you feel there are others that we have missed, feel free to tweet us throughout the season! Happy squad building!

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